NINETY-FIVE THESES OF CLUBLAND.
Out of love for the club and from desire to see the party continue, DavidXDaisy, Jack of All Trades, Master of None, and ordinary lecturer therein at the dance floor intends to defend the following statements and to dispute on them in that place. Therefore he asks that those who cannot be present and dispute with him orally shall do so in their absence by letter. In the name of our Lord Jack Whom Had a Groove, Amen.
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Music first. Music is the Answer.
There is a hierarchy of nightlife. Learn it. Respect it. Pay your dues.
If you do not care to play by the rules of the hierarchy, then please at least behave yourself. And do not ask for List.
If you receive List for a party, be courteous. Show up at a reasonable time, thank your host, and most certainly do not be a No-Show.
If you give List to someone who is a No-Show, don't give it again. Unless they have a fabulous excuse, entertaining side-story of where they were instead, and most gracious compliment about how marvelous you looked and how sad they were to miss you.
Don't try to be Miss List every time. Money keeps the doors open. Not your bright, shining face, charming personality, or lack of either.
Do not contact your friend working an event (promoter, DJ, etc.) for List as you arrive at the door. They do not have time for you, especially if this is the first time you've messaged them in three months.
VIP is earned, not purchased.
If you're going to try to bribe someone at the door, at least do it well. If Miss Connie and Markus have to read you at the door, you're going to wish you had just waited in line. Trust.
Be patient in line.
Do not get fucked up before you arrive or you definitely will not be able to remain patient in line.
Do you really want to be fucked up trying to get into a club? Patience is a virtue, dear.
Take off your fucking coat before you get to coat check.
Put your fucking coat check number somewhere safe, after you (and a friend) take a picture of it.
A drink ticket is not a free drink. You owe a gratuity.
Always carry cash. For whatever may come your way.
Tip, tip, tip. When in doubt, tip.
A bar is not a club, and vice-versa.
Do not carry a full-to-the brim, open-container cocktail onto the dance floor. Sip casually with small-talk on the outer edges. Gossip. Dish. Drag that queen in the same sequin headdress as you. Do anything but bring that burdensome beverage near flailing limbs in this dancerie, darling.
If you're going to be drunk, at least be sorry about it.
Party responsibly. If you can't, you ruin everyone else's night.
Look out for each other, please. Really, look out for each other.
Water is your friend.
Crystal meth is not your friend.
Consent is mandatory – no matter where you think you are.
Do not be a misogynist. Mixed crowds are better for everyone.
Except Becky. They're basic.
Do not be ageist. Everybody just wants to dance.
Even Becky. Because they really needed this after the week they've had.
Be spatially-aware. If you bump into someone, acknowledge it, and don't do it again.
Be spatially-aware. If someone happens to bump into you on a crowded dance floor, don't take such offense. Unless it's the third time from the same messy queen. Then let her have it.
Be spatially-aware. If you are stopping for a conversation in a walkway, on a stairwell, or in another place of general movement, get a clue, Mary!
If you find yourself standing still on the dance floor, go do that somewhere else.
If you find yourself on your phone for an extended time on the dance floor, go do that somewhere else.
If you find yourself chatting on the dance floor, please go do that anywhere else.
Do not spend an entire party face-to-face with the first person to come your way. Rejoin the rest of us from time-to-time.
If you're not having a good time, do not make that everyone else's problem.
Bathroom stalls shall be used for a maximum of three minutes no matter the occupancy. Keep it moving. Reduce time by 20 seconds for every third person waiting in line.
You may strongly knock on a bathroom door if the time is exceeded. If you beat on that door again, you shall be read for filth upon user's exit.
If you stay ready, you do not have to get ready. What we're trying to say is, do not fucking douche at the club, queen.
Do take a moment every so often to go blot the sweat from your brow. And I do mean blot.
Be kind to the bathroom attendant.
Tip the bathroom attendant.
Do not piss off the bathroom attendant.
If someone offers to kindly powder your nose, don't come asking for more 30 minutes later.
If you see someone who may have powdered their own nose too heavily, very kindly let them know, assuring them you'd want someone to do the same for yourself and they have, in fact, many times prior just that evening.
Bring something to share with the class. Gum, Pirin tablets, or at least an opinion for Christ's sake.
Poppers are always for sharing.
If you spill those damn poppers, I'm going to scream.
Smoke your weed by the DJ booth.
Smoke your cigarettes outside.
Smoke your damn vape at home.
Do no accost a queen as she arrives to a party. Allow ten minutes for entrance, ten minutes to store personal items, ten minutes for touch-ups, ten minutes for a full-room sweep, ten minutes for a first cocktail, and ten minutes for good measure. Do not bother a queen for at least a full hour upon their arrival.
Never make a song request.
If a DJ has their headphones on, do not bother them.
Do not harass the photographer. If they want your photo, they will let you know.
Learn your angles, and stick to them. I cannot stress this enough.
Proper attire should be addressed prior to attendance.
Proper footwear is always heels.
Sequins, not glitter. Protect the planet honey.
If your lqqk is going to take up the space of three people, it had better be gag-worthy.
If your lqqk requires the assistance of three people, someone had better be getting paid.
If your lqqk is only seen by three people, it had better be photographed. A lot.
A harness is not a lqqk. If it makes you feel fierce, work.
No more than three cross-body bags in any club at any one time. Strict.
A festive hat is not only the cherry-on-top accessory, it also conceals a tousled quiff.
Bring a pair of sunglasses. Bring two pairs. Please make sure you have sunglasses on your person at all times.
Fans. Less is more. None is better. Only you can prevent fan abuse.
Event space is defined by light and sound. Lighting design is as important as the music selections.
Your accessories should not interfere with the lighting design. When the entire club is designed to be blue at an exact moment, and your green laser shoots across the room, you have ruined the lighting design. Do not interfere with the lighting design.
DJs should be hired based on skill and talent, not headshots. Being pretty is just a bonus.
If you go to a party because "the DJ is so hot,” you will probably be disappointed with your night.
Before you go to a high-dollar event, perhaps consider sampling the slated DJs work.
Do not complain about the music if you did not sample the slated DJs work.
Volume is not the same as sound quality.
More women and people of color in the DJ booths.
More people of color and women in positions of power, on the art, and getting hired.
Less toxic masculinity everywhere.
Ticket prices should not have to be raised 5-10 times from the time a party is announced.
The amount you pay for a party should be equal to the party's worth. Are you overpaying?
No great party has ever had great A/C.
If the ceiling starts dripping your own sweat back onto you, then you have an A/C problem.
Do not touch the décor. Unless it has already fallen and would make for a festive hat.
Clubland is a space to celebrate queer artists in the community. They should be paid.
Appreciate artists in clubland. Tell the door queen she's flawless, the hosts they're fabulous and the promoters that you're having a lovely time. Lie if you must.
If you see Amanda Lepore, compliment her. A lie will never be necessary in this case.
Don’t be surprised when the lights come on at the scheduled end time. Have an exit strategy at least 30 minutes prior. Do you know where your friends are? Do you have your coat? Are you going to be in a K-Hole at a very inopportune time?
If you are invited to a private after party, do not share those details with others.
If you are not invited to a private after party, do not fret. If you must go home, then go by the bodega, get a sandwich and a smoothie, and dance around your apartment in your underwear honey. Have your own kiki. Why, one of my best after parties was with only one friend and a bowl of oranges in P-Town. It was grand.
If you appreciate a party, let the promoter/producer know it. Because you can be sure all the people who didn't appreciate it will.
Stay off your phone. Resist the urge. Engage.
Say hello to someone new every time you go out.
Do not be a cunt. Just be cunt.
Wise words once shared with me: "If you have nothing to give New York City, stay home. Because it will have nothing to give you. Come with something." - Xander Gaines, Nightlife Icon
What you learn in clubland, you share with the next generation. Pass down the traditions of queer culture. Keep the dance floor alive.
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Thank you for reading along this year. I appreciate all those who have related to my perspective and found value in my words. DaisyDoesIt continues into 2020 with new articles and interviews. Cheers, and here's to seeing you out.
Xx,
DavidXDaisy