FUCK FEAR.

* This post is dedicated to Sister Louisa, who shares their message of, “Fuck Fear,” and creates space for us to leave those fears behind.

I was en route to an AIDS Walk 2019 fundraiser at the former MNSTR Cycle Soho when I passed these words in graffiti, “Feal the fear and do it anyway.” 

At the time I was feeling a lot of fear about the eventuality that I would need to leave NYC to pursue my passions, and these words gave me the strength to do it anyway. 

Only a few months ago, I was back in the warmth of Sister Louisa’s Church of Living Room and Ping Pong Emporium for none other than Vicki Powell’s Sunday Service. As I dropped by the DJ booth to fan those spinning for us, I grabbed two buttons – one for Deep South and one that says, “Fuck Fear.” 

That is the great message of none other than Sister Louisa, also known as Grant Henry, owner and resident artist of Sister Louisa’s Church. Check out this interview by Bill Kaelin for Georgia Voice to get into the full meaning behind Sister Louisa’s mantra, “Fuck Fear.

When I was in Atlanta again in August, I was talking with Michael Macneal about how fear of missing out is such a driving negative force in our community. People can not stop the party to do for themselves, to stop the substances, to get some damn sleep they really need. I would always find myself in NYC unable to not miss the next thing, people, or places because I had that fear of missing something when really there was nothing that wouldn’t be there the next day, the day after, and until the day the world ends. And it’s all rooted in fear.

This past weekend, an overwhelming wave of fear that had been swelling for the past several weeks started to hit me again in the way that fear often does with its constant ebb and flow. In usual fashion, the track to these thoughts was provided by none other than Morabito per her most recent Labor Day Sunday Pavilion set.

On my way to Harder Friday night, I started to feel like I was making some of those same stupid mistakes I would make (as we all have) when I first moved to NYC - getting on the wrong train, going the wrong way on the wrong train, being late because you can’t pay attention to the right damn train. It was just a cherry on top of a multitude of pitfalls and anxiety-ridden moments that I think we all can identify with lately. I’m quite frankly overwhelmed with all the things I want to do well. But I thought of that button, “Fuck Fear,” and decided that would be my response, if at least for one night. As luck would have it, I had its sister button for Deep South hidden in a corner of my fanny pack. I thought that would be fitting indeed, and pinned it to my shirt as a reminder.

The next day I was walking past a train in Bushwick on my way to Bushwig, without nary a lqqk other than three ostrich feathers I just so happened to have on my person, as one does. Two kids were hanging between two train cars, sharing a joint as the MTA took them on their merry way. It’s one of those casual moments that make New York so special. I was instantly overcome with a homesick feeling that is uncommon for me to feel, because I only ever felt at home in my entire life when I moved to NYC.

Bushwig was an event I longed to attend when it was in its first few years, and I do think I showed some fantastic looks in my time. But here I was on my way, entirely by surprise, to Bushwig’s 10th anniversary, in a T-shirt. Tragic. 

I had always desired to perform on the Bushwig stage – a tasteful religion-esque number to Bakermat’s Teach Me. But fear kept me from ever taking that leap. In fact, I never actually performed in drag while in NYC.

It was fear. I was afraid I wouldn’t be good enough for you or for myself. Daisy GlammourHammour will not dance the Dance of the Red Shoes tonight. That’s a Birdcage reference, since I often feel I have to explain those to the kids these days. 

As I looked around at all those queens at Bushwig, putting their art in front of all to see, it made me so proud because it would be easy for all them to face their fear and not do it. But they do, and they give us something beautiful and spectacular to behold because of it. 

In particular, I have to applaud a queen I admire so much - Glow Job. Performing one of her signature performances where she transforms herself from hazmat suit to gown goddess on stage, she seemed to truly capture the essence of taking fear and turning it into something beautiful.

As I sauntered through the crowd, I wondered to myself where the line was between the fear of missing out on some party and the fear of missing out on my life. Is everything I’m doing worth missing this part of me right now? But I know I must have patience to trust the work I’m doing will create the life I want, and that I can’t chase it on the back of a dancefloor forever. At some point, you have to step into the spotlight, take a chance, and put it all on the line. 

Tonight I play my first DJ gig for WolfPup presents Jockstrap at Rebar Chelsea. It’s the next big step in this chapter of my life, and quite frankly I have a lot of fear about it. But I’ve also experienced a lot of love from many of you already, and that gives me what I need to get up there and just do the damn thing.

Tonight, I’m doing what Daisy could not do on her own in NYC. Tonight, David X Daisy faces their fear and does it anyway. 

Tonight, the message is the sage mantra of Sister Louisa – “Fuck Fear.”

So bring your fear too, and we will leave it on the dancefloor. 

I’ll see you there. 

Xx,